wanweird
by Amandaaaaaaaa
Summary: And of course, you can't forgive yourself. (Rated T for swearing.)


**Author's Note: Aha, this is probably the longest one shot I've made. This one took a long time for me to make, even though it's pretty much not a lot of words. -Dear doctors, Is there a cure to chocolate milk addictions? /screams/ If there is, yay.**

* * *

You really don't know how this happened.

It all started with an Alexy-is-your-desk-group-partner, and now you two were always together.

It was like he was attached to your side, except in reality he wasn't.

You thought he was actually annoying. Well, it's because he is.

"Cassie! Cassie, why aren't you talking to me~?" Alexy sang out, poking his finger into your hair.

You swat his hand away and moved a couple of feet away from him.

He stood up all of a sudden, kicking all your dirty clothes away from his space, and smiled.

"Castiel, you know why I'm here right?"

You roll your eyes and sigh. "The reason why you're here is because you are a creepy stalker that followed me home."

Alexy sat down in front of you, his face cheerful, but a bit confused. You can detect that because you've spent about a month with this idiot already.

"No."

You raise an eyebrow and cross your arms. His face was drained from expression.

He leaned in close. Too close for you, so you push him away.

Alexy doesn't budge though. He just stayed there, like a statue.

He finally opens his mouth to speak, but the door swung open.

You move back quickly, but Alexy stays there and waves at the person at the door.

"Hi, Armin! I'm talking with the mean guy form school!"

You turn around to look at Armin, who is already motioning Alexy to leave.

"Sorry to rain on your parade, but Alexy has to go."

You try to say something, but you stop yourself. Alexy waves at you while practically jumping out the door.

You inhale a deep breath. Why do you always make friends with the weird people?

:

On Saturdays, you usually just sit around watching television until the moon comes out. It's your routine, honestly. It's something that you do naturally.

But this Saturday that's not going to happen. This Saturday will be pure shit and you are definitely not looking forward to it.

Alexy's grip tightens on your arm as he pulls you into another store. You're legs are already tired, and you've only been here for thirty minutes.

But in that thirty minutes you've been to five shops and tried on multiple clothing that you'd never wear in your time being.

How did you get yourself into this situation? That is something that will forever be unanswered, but let's just say that you accidentally said yes and….

Well, these days you noticed that you can't say no to him. Sometimes you ask yourself if he is controlling you or not.

His sad face makes you extremely guilty, whether he's faking or not. But it's Alexy, right?

"Okay, try this one on. The colour will look adorable with your skin tone!"

You watch Alexy jump around in bliss picking out a million other shirts as you hold the one he just gave you. You roll your eyes again, throwing it back on the rack.

You feel a sharp poke of a nail on your back, and turn around to see who it is.

Lynn.

Her green eyes are bright and her brown hair is flowing down her back as she smiles at you with her perfect teeth.

"Hi, Castiel! I saw you here today, and I wanted to say hello!" She sings, her teeth glowing brighter than before.

"Hey." You're voice comes out as a whisper, though you didn't want it to be. Maybe you didn't want to hurt Alexy's feelings if he heard you talking to her?

But that's something you don't know. If Alexy's feelings get hurt, he should come and tell you. There isn't any reason to fucking care about the simplest shit.

You feel a bit pissed off all of a sudden. Not at Lynn, not at Alexy, but at yourself. But you don't know why.

She could tell you aren't in a good mood, and she leaves immediately. Which is weird since you didn't say anything besides a simple 'hey'.

You sigh again, for the second time, picking up the shirt Alexy gave you. You know for sure that you'll never have any time off for yourself, that's for sure.

:

You drop onto the soft couch beside Alexy. He was laying down on the couch, half asleep, lips slightly parted.

"I'm tired." Alexy's voice was barely a whisper.

You roll you're eyes again. "I can see that, Alexy."

"Oh okay. I was just making sure you knew. You look a little lonely without me." And with that, Alexy's eyes shut and he fell asleep.

You inhale a large breath and get up to get a blanket. You wrap it around him, putting him in a sitting position to put his head on your shoulder.

You run your fingers into his messy blue hair, smelling the strawberry shampoo.

You sigh, for the third time. You're sighing a lot lately.

:

There are many things that annoy you.

One thing that annoys you is Nathaniel. The second thing that annoys you is Alexy, but that's only sometimes.

But one thing that annoys you the most, even more than Nathaniel, is when you see Alexy upset.

It's weird, actually. He doesn't really show that he's upset, but you can tell. Maybe it's because you've spent time with him for a long time.

It was pretty awkward, though. Alexy usually made the conversations, not you. But you wanted to try to make him talk, at least a sentence.

"So…Do you like sunny days?"

That was a stupid question, but you didn't have anything else in the bag.

Alexy looked at you for about a minute with his expressionless eyes, then simply nodded, looking at his fingers.

And that made you angry. "Alexy, fucking talk to me! At least tell me what the hell happened!"

That startles him and he jumps off his spot on the couch and onto your lap. You didn't bother taking him off—you loved the smell of his hair—he got off himself.

He stares at you for a while, and then explodes into a million tears.

"K-Kentin—No, I saw-I saw Kentin kiss Lynn!"

Alexy hugs you, and you let him. He buries his head into your chest, and you can feel the fabric of your shirt soaking from his tears.

"He's an idiot, okay? He doesn't know what he's missing out." You say. He nods.

After a few minutes that only felt like a second to you, he got off.

"You smell like a cigarette." Alexy says, fixing his hair and slumping back on the couch.

You just shrug your shoulders. You don't really know why, but you really wanted to hug him again. It felt like a craving. But it wasn't. It was just a mysterious feeling that you couldn't identify yet.

:

This was totally unexpected.

The horrible taste of medicine stays in your mouth, and you feel the need to throw it all up on the doctors.

But the doctors were gone, and it's just you.

Well, there is something you regret, and that is not listening to everyone. They told you not to smoke so much, and you ended up over-dosing. Look at you now.

And another thing you regret is even bothering to be fucking nice to Alexy in the first place.

You've been acting in a way you would never act in your whole lifetime. You felt something weird when you were around him, and it made you crazy. Crazy enough to let him pull you into so much crap.

You don't know if you were blaming him for your own problem or not. It was definitely your fault, but something in you made it feel like it was all him.

Though of course, he had nothing to do with this, and maybe he had nothing to do with you. You've seen Alexy with a million other people, and he treated them all the same way he treated you.

You feel your hands balling into fists, but you also feel like you've been kicked in the gut.

But on the outside, you know you look perfectly fine. You know how to handle your emotions.

You aren't wearing the stupid hospital dress outfit because you thought it was stupid.

Maybe it's because you thought if Alexy would visit sometime, he'd recognise you?

That might be true, but you know by your amazing sense of common sense that he'll never visit you. You were sometimes pretty harsh toward him, actually.

And another reason why is because he can't visit you any time soon, other than now. You never know if you might die all of a sudden.

You were in the hospital, anyway.

You look at the door when you hear soft knocks on the wood.

"Come in," you say, noticing how raspy your voice is.

The door opens with a faint click. Alexy comes out of it, looking extremely nervous. Well, that's what you can see. He still has his usual smile on his face.

"Hey, Cassy."

You can't help but smile at that nickname. "Hey, Alexy."

You watch Alexy look around the hospital room in pure disgust, which makes your smile widen.

"This place is horrible," he stops, then adds, "I'm sorry you had to stay in here for a whole night!"

He laughs, but you know it wasn't a real laugh. It was a simple chuckle, nothing more or less, but the emotion is his eyes made it feel like it was a cry.

You sit up on the bed and shrug.

Alexy just stares at you. His smile is gone.

"Cassy, why didn't you tell me?" Alexy says.

Your mind is completely blank, to be honest. You don't know what you did this time.

"What are you talking about? I don't even remember what I did last night," you chuckle.

Alexy doesn't laugh, he just frowns. "Stop acting stupid."

Your eyes go wide with shock. "What the fuck? I don't even know what the hell you're talking about."

Alexy stands up, and you definitely know he is either going to scream at you or cry. You're betting on the cry, though.

"Why didn't you tell me you smoked? I could've helped you! Why don't you let anyone help you, anyway?"

You sigh, and look at the floor. It wasn't clean, there were dust particles everywhere that made you want to sneeze.

"Because it's my problem, not yours. Alexy, just stop getting into people's problems like that. It's getting annoying."

You look up to see Alexy's wide eyes. "What? If I'm trying to help you, you should let me! What is your problem?"

You're angry now. "No, Alexy. What is _your_ problem?"

Alexy looked like he would explode any minute, and you actually felt stupid that you were actually arguing with him.

"My problem? Castiel, please tell me if there is a problem with me caring about someone," Alexy says, his voice toned down a bit.

You actually feel bad now. And you also felt bad for yourself. Why didn't you let anyone help you before?

Are you that stuck up?

"Alexy, I'm sorry I'm such a joke. I guess you regret even being my friend, right?" You laugh a bit, but it's full of dry emotion.

Alexy sits on the hospital bed beside you. "I like you, though. And you're not a joke, you're a great friend."

Again, you feel a kick in the stomach. You just shrug again.

Alexy loops his arm around your shoulder and hugs you.

The last time you've hugged him was about a week ago. And you missed him, actually.

But you don't hug him back.

You don't know why. It's either your being a jerk or you just feel weird.

You and Alexy spent the evening sitting around and talking. You talked about things you don't really talk about; school, family, school.

It was actually pretty awkward. Apparently, Alexy forgave Kentin for that stupid thing and now they were back to friends.

All Alexy talked about was Kentin, and that kind of pissed you off.

"Alexy, can we talk about something else?"

Alexy looked up at you with a confused look. "Why? Are you jealous?"

You roll your eyes, but inside it felt like you were. "No, it's just annoying.

"That means you're jealous."

"No, it doesn't."

"Yes, it does!" Alexy said, laughing a bit.

He kissed your lip quickly, and then hugged you again. It felt right.

:

You're actually happy with yourself.

You're proud. You're pleased. Glad. Delighted. You could name as many synonyms for the way you were feeling—the best feeling you've ever felt.

Presumably, the reason why you were happy is because you just saved someone you love very much.

Of course, the happiness in you wasn't that strong on the outside. Pretty much because there was no outside.

You were in a box—a black box. It was dark under here, the only light was from your dreams.

But your dreams were dark and they frightened you. And while you stayed in your new box you learned how to look at the bright side and think out of the box. It was a very special talent, since you there was no bright side and you couldn't think out of the box.

And though your new home was a bit mind blowing, you've learned how to forgive and forget. But some things were hard to forget, like some people you cared about very much.

You remember the shocked faces when you kissed your lover at school. "Hey, Castiel, When did you become one of those people?"

Many people noticed, and it actually brought a smile to your face. But you don't usually smile—you smirk. But this time is wasn't a smirk, it was a smile.

It wasn't that long ago when you were back at school. It must have been about a month or two, but you don't keep track.

But you do keep track of your favourite days. You do keep track of his favourite days. You do keep track of his and your favourite days. Yes, that's it.

You don't really have a sense of emotion—you don't even have your soul anymore. But you still have your heart. And though it's not beating, you can still feel it.

Usually you don't understand yourself, but some other people do. And by some people, you mean them.

Lysander and Alexy.

Lysander was your best friend for a long time until the incident. He was a boy with an amazing fashion sense, amazing writing skills, and he was amazing himself.

You don't really know the last time you saw Lysander, though. Probably on a Monday or a Tuesday.

Or a Wednesday. Or a Thursday. Or a Friday. Or a Saturday. Or a Sunday.

Whatever, you know you saw him a few days beforehand. Or maybe a few years ago?

Alexy.

You've learned a lot about them in the seven months you were with him. He was a sweet short kid that somehow controlled your actions. You didn't use sarcasm anymore because he didn't understand it, and you stopped hurting people for your own amusement.

So, you probably can say that he changed you completely. And you thank him for that.

And as you remember the last time you saw the bright sun light, you just shudder.

Which is hard since your literally sitting in a box.

You were walking with him one day, and all of a sudden you were surrounded by a bunch of fucking twits with black masks.

Yes, and no. Yes, they had weapons. No, this wasn't a movie.

So, like the great Cassie you are, you protect your swain, Alexy.

Well, you don't scare them. They slash your throat with a knife and run away with your wallet.

Scientist say that you have 10 seconds left until you're fully dead, after you've been killed.

And for those ten seconds, which felt like forever, you watched Alexy fall to the floor, screaming at you to wake up, crying his eyes out.

It hurt to watch. You felt the need to get up and hug him for the rest of the ten seconds.

You try to think about something else. Maybe about Nathaniel getting eaten by a dragon? The principal's hair falling off? Something that will at least make you laugh evilly or smile.

But the only memory you can pull out of your colourless brain is that scene.

It makes you sick, but you didn't have any food in your system to vomit out.

So, let's recap your life so far:

You fell in love with the weirdest person on Earth.

You are a nice guy now.

He fell in love with you.

And you're dead.

While in your beautiful black grave of grief, just remember to look on the bright side.

But sometimes there might not be a bright side. For your case, there isn't.

* * *

**Another Author's Note: Ugh, sorry for making the ending so dark and deep. **


End file.
